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Here at Scholastic, we’re always asking the big questions. What does the fox say? Where are the Doritos? No, seriously, what did you do with them? 

Existential, life-altering thoughts such as these were on my mind as I ambled through the Grab ‘n Go line for what seemed like the umpteenth time. 

As I left the building, lunch in hand, it struck me that I had both grabbed and gone countless times. I had savored slews of somewhat soggy sub sandwiches and polished off pounds of salty pretzels (There are no salty synonyms that start with “p” ok? It’s not my fault). Despite this repetition, I had never thought about all that goes into the ol’ G&G. 

There’s a lot of moving parts, unwritten rules and pudding cups. With all the chaos surrounding this brown bag slinging system, a single question comes to mind: How do I win at Grab ‘n Go? Well get excited everybody because I’m about to unveil the answer. Be advised, things are about to get real, and the following information might not be suitable for the faint of heart or those with pacemakers. 

I know what you’re thinking. “Hunter, you sound crazy. Did you get your hands on Doritos again?” Well, I’m not crazy, and they were on sale. But that’s not important. What’s important is the first step on your path to Grab ‘n Go victory: the approach. The approach lasts from when you decide to get G&G to when you walk through the threshold. I see a lot of grabbers start off with serious potensh only to screw it up on the approach, so let me make sure you all know what to avoid. 

First, don’t even think about grabbin’ without music. Put those ear buds in and blare whatever you think will be most distracting to those around you. In my experience, heavy metal works pretty well. While they’re trying to figure out what in God’s name you’re listening to, you’ll have your eye on the prize. 

Second, don’t look at the menu board outside before walking in. Don’t even glance. You didn’t come to college to read! Winners know what they want to eat before they even wake up. Pass that sign right by and start grabbing.

Now that you’ve crushed the approach, it’s time to master the main event: the grab. The key to a perfect grab is a wide distance from your fellow students. You can’t grab to the fullest with people in your way, so how do you achieve such space? It’s simple as long as you follow the three F’s: Flailing, Face tattoos and Flames. This is where you really get to be creative and customize your G&G experience. Nothing says “get out of the way, I need mah potato chips” like swinging your arms wildly, making your face permanently terrifying or setting yourself on fire. Sure, there might be unintended consequences, but with victory comes sacrifice. 

The natural next step would be to discuss what you should be grabbing right? Wrong. So, so wrong. What you grab is specific to you. I can’t tell you what to grab and what to avoid any more than I can tell you what stock to buy or what kind of Doritos to eat (all of them). Just listen to your heart, and you’ll know what to do. 

So you’ve crushed the approach, you’ve mastered the grab and now it’s time to perfect the final stage: the go. Before you can head back home with your bag of goodies, you must face the Grab ‘n Go gatekeepers, the card swipers. In this battle, your objective is to deceive these sentinels into believing that you actually adhered to the seven-point system. 

Their objective is to stop you. Your weapons: cunning, sheer determination and tricks of the eye. Theirs: a half-hearted glance into the bag. You’ve got pretty good odds. Just cram as much as you can into the bag, and if it seems like your opponent is being especially nosy, just distract her with a big, wet kiss. You’ll make it out with the goods, and maybe even find love in the process. 

So there you have it. With these tips and tricks as ammo, you’ll be able to grab and go like you’ve never grabbed and gone before. You can use all that saved time to ponder the big questions like, “What are we really grabbing?” and “Where are we really going?” Food for thought.