On the first day of fall, Notre Dame rolled out its latest initiative to improve student life on campus: pumpkin spice flavored water from the DeBartolo water fountains. 

Students have long complained about the building’s water, claiming that it tastes “metallic” and “like a moldy turnip, probably” in the words of sophomore Kelly Arenston. “Honestly, before the pumpkin spice water, I would, like, literally die of dehydration before even touching one of the DeBart water fountains,” she added. “This is probably the greatest thing to ever happen in my lifetime, besides the latest iOS update.” 

Other students, however, were not as pleased. Senior Eric Mann, for one, would have preferred a different flavor. He was witnessed filling up his water bottle resignedly, grumbling about how “caramel macchiatos are 10 times better.” Mann also complained loudly about the lack of whipped cream at each water fountain. “Pumpkin spice without whipped cream? Is this some sort of sick joke? No way. I’ll take the iron water. This is ridiculous.” 

University officials describe the change as the latest example of the university listening to student feedback and adjusting policies and amenities accordingly. Mann has already submitted a formal complaint about the whipped cream and is impatiently awaiting a response. In the meantime, he has been seen in DeBartolo Hall carrying his own personal can of whipped cream. 

Freshman Gary O’Leary seemed especially excited about the new installation. “It’s amazing,” he said with a look of doe-eyed wonder in his eyes. “You can’t even taste the E. coli anymore!”