Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.

“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.

When the desk attendant expressed that she did not fully understand Johnson’s question, he scanned the customer service desk for nearby ears before adding, “I just … is there any way that say, someone’s application for the rewards card could be completely forgotten and ignored? Someone will see it and remember I — the application, I mean, exists, right?”

Upon being reassured that all applications to the store’s program are accepted, Johnson is reported to have reminded the customer service employee that the shopping card would be “for one of his good buddies” and exited the store, tearfully holding the reward program enrollment form to his chest.