Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton

Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” 

Sources say that this “Big Easy Bill” has been going around high school parking lots, bribing teens with saxophone lessons and Playstation 4s to vote for Clinton. We set out to search for this enigmatic figure, despite Bartens’ insistence that “he’s pretty good at being secretive.” 

After four consecutive days of stakeouts, our team finally caught up with Big Easy. He appeared to be a man in his early 70s with a handlebar mustache and sunglasses. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; I did not have bargaining relations with those children.” 

Shuffling uncomfortably, Big Easy outlined his “one hundo-P unbiased reasons for supporting Clinton.” After we finished, he promised that he would end his bribery days and headed off into the sunset, though we knew this wouldn’t be the last we saw of Big Easy Bill.