A Plea to Support Cultural Preservation

Author: Liza Kowalik

A Plea to Support Cultural Preservation

Dear CUSE,

I am writing this letter to request funding for a summer research project concerning a topic that is near and dear to my heart. As you are well aware, in December of 2009 a force took this country by storm. Just as the American economy was beginning to resurge, Americans experienced another rush, this time in the form of thumping bass and pumping fists. The Jersey Shore and its eclectic cast won its way into the hearts and homes of our country, spurring a guido revolution and a 300 percent market increase in all things gym, tan and laundry.

But these meatheads faded into oblivion almost as quickly as they arrived, leaving America with many burning questions. I intend to go undercover in an attempt to truly understand this culture and to resolve certain issues once and for all.

What is the proper ratio of fist pumps per minute in order to sufficiently beat the beat up?

How tan is too tan?

Is there any possible way Snooki is a fully functioning mother?

With your generosity, I could explore these and other questions.

I request a modest budget of $11,000.72 in order to fund my living expenses and accomplish the following goals:

Goal 1: Look the Part

1.1   Intensive tanning regimen in the weeks leading up to departure

1.2   New wardrobe: cheetah print, hoop earrings, hairspray, etc.

1.3   Mani/pedi/wax on a biweekly schedule

Goal 2: Infiltrate the Club Scene

2.1 Extreme liquor consumption

2.2 Flirtation with juiceheads

2.3 Grenade avoidance

Goal 3: Run the Boardwalk

2.1 Befriend Snooki (will settle for JWoww)

2.2 Consistently blackout at inappropriate daytime hours

2.3 Defend territory by all means necessary (weave-pulling, etc.)

If my research proves fruitful, I will be very interested in helping to institute an annual program. Studying abroad at the Jersey Shore would provide any student with true cultural immersion. We cannot let this history slip away from us; it is important to preserve the sanctity of these traditions and customs. Your approval would mean the world to me and the future of Guido Studies.

And if you even think about denying this, come at me bro.

Shore Dreamer,

Liza Mozzarella