If elected as VP, my top priority is to ensure that you, the students of this great university, never have to spend your hard-earned flex points on Subway, Taco Hut or overpriced Cheez-Its. What better way to make your Friday nights a hoot than eating Papa John’s with the same five freshmen each week? An information session will also be provided: “How to Gain the Popularity You Were Unjustly Denied in High School.” Everyone knows that Notre Dame is a do-gooder’s utopia where each student cares deeply about Halloween safety protocol and will surely attend the panel discussion regarding the Judicial Committee’s stance on licensing codes in China.

As a member of student government, it is also my responsibility to spam your inbox with daily messages reminding you to please, please apply for our open positions, such as the “Secretary of Résumé-Padding Job Descriptions,” the “President of Being On Committees” and the “Executive Officer of Using Italics, Highlights and Alternative Fonts in Emails.” You can also count on me to extend application deadlines, once it becomes clear that no one wants these positions. For that same reason, I guarantee that you will run unopposed — like me.

So vote for me — even though it won’t really matter.

Let me make this clear. I am not a leader. Generously, I’m the fourth coolest guy in my weekend “Pinot and Painting” group. But I need something to justify both my lack of actual popularity and my obsession with organizing poster boards. When you go to the ballot boxes later this semester, I want you to sit down, take a deep breath and think about what you really want from student government next year. Sure, it might be tempting to buy into the bright and fuzzy picture of big-government optimists touting new ABP carts, the inclusion of marginalized social groups or better dialogue with South Bend police, but remember that with every student government that actually does its job also comes the bane of every overcommitted Domer: an absurd amount of irrelevant emails. Come election season, I will be offering the student body the candidate it deserves: a blue-collar conservative who will do everything in his power to phone it in.