Humor

Winter on the Quad

Winter on the Quad

Author: Megan Valley

Senior and proud Minnesotan John McNeill was seen walking around campus in shorts, a bro-tank and flip flops in late January after second semester started off with a heat wave. 

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Student Exhibits Appropriate Emotional Response Following Football Loss
5 Remaining Brian Kelly Horcruxes to Destroy Before 2017 Season
Area male sees nearby SMC student, is convinced she is ungodly attracted to him.

Area male sees nearby SMC student, is convinced she is ungodly attracted to him.

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

GOD QUAD – While walking to his Business Law class in Debartolo, sophomore Derek Tinsley saw a Saint Mary’s student entering Nieuwland Science Hall. The SMC student, senior Lacy Miller, did not make eye contact or do anything to indicate that she even noticed Tinsley’s presence, but Tinsley says he is sure there was more to her straight-ahead gaze.…

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All the Times I Have Embarrassed Myself in a Fast Food Restaurant

All the Times I Have Embarrassed Myself in a Fast Food Restaurant

Author: Jack Riedy

Hello. My name is Jack. I am a 21-year-old person recovering from an accident. That was foreshadowing. Thank you for reading this piece. Can you guess how many of these stories take place in a McDonald’s? Three of these stories do that. That was also foreshadowing.

I tried to walk through a Florida McDonald’s drive-thru with my friend Kyle. We were in town for his older sister’s wedding. The doors to the McDonald’s across the street from our hotel were closed, but we could see employees working. They ignored our waves and told us over the speakers that we needed a vehicle to order food.…

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College student begs Santa to pay off interest on student loans

College student begs Santa to pay off interest on student loans

Author: Megan Valley

Dear Santa,

During Thanksgiving break, I was only asked three questions:

“How are your grades this semester?” Please keep in mind that I now attend college — a good one, at that — and not my small, underfunded high school.

“Are you seeing anyone?” I’m actively avoiding anyone who considers me dateable at the moment, given the state of, well, everything.

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Party Super Lame Compared to How It Looked on Snapchat

Party Super Lame Compared to How It Looked on Snapchat

Author: Molly Murphy

It’s Saturday night. Your friends have dragged you to a party when all you wanted was to Netflix Gilmore Girls in your bed. Like a three-year-old, you declare, “Fine, I’ll go, but I won’t have fun.” And you mean it.

You put your hair in a low bun, the universal sign of minimal effort, and step out the door. You arrive to the party and realize that your already low expectations for the night will need to be lowered even further because the party is awful. Middle school dance, grandparents’ cocktail party, child-you-babysit-for’s-birthday-party level awful. But you are there, and you are determined not to waste the little effort that was exerted and have a semi-decent time.…

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Scenes from the Trump-Pence Women's Empowerment Tour

Scenes from the Trump-Pence Women's Empowerment Tour

Author: Liz Hynes

Throughout the past few weeks of the presidential campaign, the Republican ticket has begun a concentrated effort to boost its approval ratings among women voters. Scholastic tagged along for one stop on the “Trump-Pence Women’s Empowerment Tour,” a strategy which daughter-in-law Lara Trump says focuses on “women that [Donald Trump] has touched in very different ways.”…

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Student Wonders If It Would Be Possible to Write in Corey Robinson

Student Wonders If It Would Be Possible to Write in Corey Robinson

Author: O'Neil, Alison

Faced with what he considers a grim selection of presidential candidates, freshman Charlie O’Connor was spotted wondering aloud if he could nominate Student Body President Corey Robinson for the presidency.

“I mean, you have to be at least 35 to be president,” mused 18-year-old O’Connor, who will be casting his first-ever vote on November 8th. “But on the other hand ... Corey Robinson still has more political experience than Trump, and he’s probably never deleted 33,000 important emails.”…

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Stein Thrilled That Running for President Has Finally Given Her 90s Folk-Rock Band Push It Needed

Stein Thrilled That Running for President Has Finally Given Her 90s Folk-Rock Band Push It Needed

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

Lamenting that low record sales have, until recently, precluded the group from making a new album, presidential hopeful Dr. Jill Stein expressed what she called “utter glee” in response to the traction her 90s band has been receiving lately. “Ever since John Oliver covered it on Last Week Tonight, our Circuits to the Sun

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5 People to Unfriend this Election Season

5 People to Unfriend this Election Season

Author: Megan Valley

Every election season, Facebook and Twitter unite forces to amplify the ignorant, under-researched and highly irritating opinions that you don’t really care all that much about beyond the pictures of their dogs that they share sometimes. This election season, here are five people making their voices heard to unfollow or unfriend so that you don’t have to hear them.…

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Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card

Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.

“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.…

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Lost in Acres of Corn, Kaine Stumbles upon Notre Dame

Lost in Acres of Corn, Kaine Stumbles upon Notre Dame

Author: Jared Anderson Pino

Walking to my home in Siegfried, I overheard a student criticizing our government. With a smirk, he intellectually pondered, “What the HELL does our vice president do?” while reversing his ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. In an attempt to solve this mystery for my fellow classmate, I’ve done the research and have found what one potential VP has been up to.…

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A Message from Fr. John I. Jenkins

A Message from Fr. John I. Jenkins

Author: Liz Hynes

Students, faculty, staff, most beloved and generous donors: Welcome to another year at Our Lady’s University.

You’ve likely already noticed some changes on campus, such as the creation of two new dorms and a new worldclass research facility.

All three buildings stand proudly on our brand new East Quad, the fruit of an unbelievable $2 billion gift from Todd and Marie East of Montreal.…

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Auntie Mae's Advice Column for Lovelorn (or Just Awkward) Notre Dame Students
Reunite the Original American Idol Judges to Judge the 2016 Presidential Debates

Reunite the Original American Idol Judges to Judge the 2016 Presidential Debates

Author: Jack Riedy

Since 2009, a great absence has haunted this nation. The philosophical balance that drives this country forward has been replaced by acrimony and discord. Only one solution can restore harmony to our culture: Reuniting the original American Idol judges to moderate the 2016 presidential debates. 

In the halcyon days of the new millennium, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson guided the zeitgeist as judges on FOX’s American Idol. From 2002 until Abdul’s departure in 2009, this trio critiqued countless singers. With the guidance of the judges, America voted powerhouses like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Lee DeWyze to be our Idols, sending them to the top of our hearts before they reached the top of the charts. …

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Bernie Sanders Praises South Dining Hall “Tray Inconvenience”

Bernie Sanders Praises South Dining Hall “Tray Inconvenience”

Author: Liz Hynes

With “nothing better to do” now that his campaign has officially ceased, former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders visited Notre Dame to explore the university’s groundbreaking new sustainability initiative: “Inconvenient Trays.”

“See, the trays used to be over here,” University President Rev. John I. Jenkins said as he excitedly led the senator through South Dining Hall. “But now they’re all the way over here!” …

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The Big Easy

The Big Easy

Author: Jaleel Blanchard

Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton

Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …

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God Orders October Snowfall Following College Republicans Trump Endorsement

God Orders October Snowfall Following College Republicans Trump Endorsement

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President. 

Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …

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The Most Important Office Hours You'll Ever Attend

The Most Important Office Hours You'll Ever Attend

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re winding down for bed before your 9:25 tomorrow morning. You hop in bed, annoyed that your roommate isn’t even turning off the bedroom light and using the less-bright lamp by the futon to keep studying. You try for a few passive aggressive yawns, hoping she’ll go study in the section lounge, but she remains unmoved by your show of fatigue.…

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Library of Donors

Library of Donors

Author: Kimberly Mai

Now, as you come up this path, you’ll notice the Hesburgh Library. Built in 1963, it is currently being renovated in order to provide access to interdisciplinary and collaborative spaces, introduce state-of-the-art technologies and give a fresh, new space for my friend Becky to sit while she waits for that one kid in her foresight group to come 20 minutes late.…

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Student’s Entire Life Philosophy is Changed by Observer Viewpoint

Student’s Entire Life Philosophy is Changed by Observer Viewpoint

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.…

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President Obama Invites Candidates to Dinner

President Obama Invites Candidates to Dinner

Author: Liz Hynes

WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan effort to bring together opponents in an increasingly fiery election season, President Barack Obama invited all remaining presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Sources say the president was in high spirits throughout the day, cooking a roast with First Lady Michelle Obama and teaching Vice President Joe Biden how to make ice cream.…

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A McKinsey & Co. Analysis on the Love Life of a Notre Dame Boy
Reflections on Junior Parents Weekend
Kanye West's Future PR Strategies
Wild Escape for Spring Break
Lost in Translation
Friends with {Internships}