Humor

Scenes from the Trump-Pence Women's Empowerment Tour

Scenes from the Trump-Pence Women's Empowerment Tour

Author: Liz Hynes

Throughout the past few weeks of the presidential campaign, the Republican ticket has begun a concentrated effort to boost its approval ratings among women voters. Scholastic tagged along for one stop on the “Trump-Pence Women’s Empowerment Tour,” a strategy which daughter-in-law Lara Trump says focuses on “women that [Donald Trump] has touched in very different ways.”…

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5 People to Unfriend this Election Season

5 People to Unfriend this Election Season

Author: Megan Valley

Every election season, Facebook and Twitter unite forces to amplify the ignorant, under-researched and highly irritating opinions that you don’t really care all that much about beyond the pictures of their dogs that they share sometimes. This election season, here are five people making their voices heard to unfollow or unfriend so that you don’t have to hear them.…

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Lost in Acres of Corn, Kaine Stumbles upon Notre Dame

Lost in Acres of Corn, Kaine Stumbles upon Notre Dame

Author: Jared Anderson Pino

Walking to my home in Siegfried, I overheard a student criticizing our government. With a smirk, he intellectually pondered, “What the HELL does our vice president do?” while reversing his ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. In an attempt to solve this mystery for my fellow classmate, I’ve done the research and have found what one potential VP has been up to.…

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Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card

Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.

“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.…

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A Message from Fr. John I. Jenkins

A Message from Fr. John I. Jenkins

Author: Liz Hynes

Students, faculty, staff, most beloved and generous donors: Welcome to another year at Our Lady’s University.

You’ve likely already noticed some changes on campus, such as the creation of two new dorms and a new worldclass research facility.

All three buildings stand proudly on our brand new East Quad, the fruit of an unbelievable $2 billion gift from Todd and Marie East of Montreal.…

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Auntie Mae's Advice Column for Lovelorn (or Just Awkward) Notre Dame Students
Bernie Sanders Praises South Dining Hall “Tray Inconvenience”

Bernie Sanders Praises South Dining Hall “Tray Inconvenience”

Author: Liz Hynes

With “nothing better to do” now that his campaign has officially ceased, former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders visited Notre Dame to explore the university’s groundbreaking new sustainability initiative: “Inconvenient Trays.”

“See, the trays used to be over here,” University President Rev. John I. Jenkins said as he excitedly led the senator through South Dining Hall. “But now they’re all the way over here!” …

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Reunite the Original American Idol Judges to Judge the 2016 Presidential Debates

Reunite the Original American Idol Judges to Judge the 2016 Presidential Debates

Author: Jack Riedy

Since 2009, a great absence has haunted this nation. The philosophical balance that drives this country forward has been replaced by acrimony and discord. Only one solution can restore harmony to our culture: Reuniting the original American Idol judges to moderate the 2016 presidential debates. 

In the halcyon days of the new millennium, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson guided the zeitgeist as judges on FOX’s American Idol. From 2002 until Abdul’s departure in 2009, this trio critiqued countless singers. With the guidance of the judges, America voted powerhouses like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Lee DeWyze to be our Idols, sending them to the top of our hearts before they reached the top of the charts. …

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God Orders October Snowfall Following College Republicans Trump Endorsement

God Orders October Snowfall Following College Republicans Trump Endorsement

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President. 

Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …

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The Big Easy

The Big Easy

Author: Jaleel Blanchard

Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton

Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …

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The Most Important Office Hours You'll Ever Attend

The Most Important Office Hours You'll Ever Attend

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re winding down for bed before your 9:25 tomorrow morning. You hop in bed, annoyed that your roommate isn’t even turning off the bedroom light and using the less-bright lamp by the futon to keep studying. You try for a few passive aggressive yawns, hoping she’ll go study in the section lounge, but she remains unmoved by your show of fatigue.…

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Library of Donors

Library of Donors

Author: Kimberly Mai

Now, as you come up this path, you’ll notice the Hesburgh Library. Built in 1963, it is currently being renovated in order to provide access to interdisciplinary and collaborative spaces, introduce state-of-the-art technologies and give a fresh, new space for my friend Becky to sit while she waits for that one kid in her foresight group to come 20 minutes late.…

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Student’s Entire Life Philosophy is Changed by Observer Viewpoint

Student’s Entire Life Philosophy is Changed by Observer Viewpoint

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.…

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President Obama Invites Candidates to Dinner

President Obama Invites Candidates to Dinner

Author: Liz Hynes

WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan effort to bring together opponents in an increasingly fiery election season, President Barack Obama invited all remaining presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Sources say the president was in high spirits throughout the day, cooking a roast with First Lady Michelle Obama and teaching Vice President Joe Biden how to make ice cream.…

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A McKinsey & Co. Analysis on the Love Life of a Notre Dame Boy
Reflections on Junior Parents Weekend
Kanye West's Future PR Strategies
Wild Escape for Spring Break
Lost in Translation
Friends with {Internships}
The Newest News

The Newest News

Author: Jeremy Capello Lee

Politics: Statisticians and pundits puzzle over results of recent 2016 Republican presidential nomination poll, with “Unsure,” “Tim Horton’s” and “Ben Carson” in a comfortable lead over other candidates.

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Starbucks Excommunicated by Church Officials
Christmas Wish List
Thanksgiving Break Reading List

Thanksgiving Break Reading List

Author: Hunter Kuffel

No one likes being bored over Thanksgiving break, so the staff at Scholastic Humor has compiled a collection of real page turners to keep you busy until you GET to come back to campus.

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The Newest News

The Newest News

Author: The Humor Staff

Church Bells from the Outside

The sacred music department is fuming after a sophomore snuck into the Basilica bell tower and played Adele’s “Hello.” Father Rocca was down with it, tears streaming down his face.

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The 2nd Philosphy and Theology Courses You Are Missing Out On
How 'Bout That Debate?
What PWC Chair Looks for Most
Four GIFs to Help You Through Your Freshman Year from Your Uncle Who Graduated From Notre Dame in 1976 and Doesn’t Understand How GIFs Work